A boy likes girl poem.
Des Pensable (copyright) 2012.
Spiritual Makeover (Nimbin version )
This year I sought a new partner, a hot new lady friend,
Us Aussie guys love to party you know, it's a well established trend.
This tale starts with a bad back ache which made me feel pretty low,
I'd heard about this new treatment called Reiki so I thought I'd give it a go.
I got dressed in my cleanest jeans, and my T-shirt that's real neat,
The one with the finger on the front that's really hard to beat.
I went off to a magical shop in a trendy arcade,
and met the most beautiful woman that evolution had ever made.
She was a New Age Buddhist Shaman specialising in orgasm and exorcism,
She also ran a side line in Reiki, origami and circumcision.
I was instantly in love ... so I asked her for a date,
She said. ‘Maybe ... If you were a little more spiritual mate!'
My heart was aflutter, as flighty as a feather,
She wanted me to be more spiritual so we could go astral flying together.
After her Reiki magic was done and my back acheI was feeling fine,
I was determined that this shaman healer babe was soon going to be mine.
I went down to the local pub to watch the footy and told my best mate Dan,
After a few beers together he said I think I have it mate ... a truly strategic plan.
You'll need a spiritual makeover; you'll need some hippy gear and beads,
You'll need to know how to meditate and all about Buddha's deeds.
You'll need to change your diet and be a vegan or vegie nut at least,
No more chips and burgers with bacon or the flesh of any bird or beast.
You'll be excommunicated from Maccas and the colonel will forget your name,
You'll have your picture erased from the Red Rooster and Pizza Halls of Fame.
Instead you'll need to eat your vegies mixed with Nimbin cottage cheese,
And eat lots of fruit and rabbit food and honey from organic bees.
You'll need to drink herbal teas, made of ginger, fruit and flowers,
and if you use the right mushrooms you'll think you've got magic powers.
Your mates at the church will disown you, they'll say you've gone quite weird,
but you'll be able to able to walk around half naked and grow a massive beard.
I said. 'Stop right there mate! I like your cunning plan and I'm feeling very keen,
Soon I'm going to be the most spiritual guy this woman has ever seen.'
I left the bar and made a bee line to the store,
With plastic money in my hand, I passed thru David Jones' door.
The first sales guy that came along I asked him loud and clear,
Where's your spiritual clothing department mate I want to buy some of your gear,
He looked me up and down and said 'Are you trying to be funny?'
'You really don't look the spiritual type but hell, I am here to take your money.'
First you'll need some Tibetan gear to really look the part,
These jeans in yak wool are transcendental; they'll steal away her heart,
This t-shirt of the fat man will put her doubts at ease,
and when she sees this row of Oms she'll weaken at the knees.
You'll need a healing crystal and with this little book you can't fail,
It's the A to Z of ISMs and its half price as it's our final winter sale.
I checked out the index of the little book and here's a taste of what I saw,
Atheism , Buddhism, cannibalism-that should be against the law.
There was evolutionism, fetishism and hedonism , that's pretty good I'm told,
There was pastafarianism, Rastafarianism and spiritualism and I was sold.
But wait there's more the sales guy said we've got music to put her in the mood,
Chanting monks and shaman horns and Indian flutes are all good mental food.
We've got great spiritual music from good old Aus and every other nation,
and as a special gift this month we give a free CD in transcendental meditation.
I took the gear and on the way home I bought a half a case,
Of yuppie beer to help my spiritual studies and put a smile upon my face.
I studied that mystical little book for more than half a week,
I learned about enlightenment, it's what Buddha said to seek.
I learned how to meditate while standing on my head,
but I found it much more comfortable while lying drunk upon the bed.
I chanted a mantra to the Buddha and recited a koan of Zen.
It was about the mysteries of women and the pathways to bliss for men,
I learned some tantric tricks that would give my chakra some real zest,
In theory, my tired old lingam would be at its cosmic best.
I'd have the stamina of a bull and my aura would be clear and bright,
I was confident that this goddess was in the bag and the timing now was right.
Armed with all this great knowledge and clothed in my new spiritual gear,
I hurried down to the arcade to make my intentions quite clear.
I said hello babe I'm here to set your heart on fire and ask you for a date,
I'm truly spiritual; I seek only harmony and cosmic unity when I meditate.
She looked me up and down and said I think you've got it a little wrong,
By spiritual I meant I really come alive when I'm at a game and hear our National song.
I work here to make a living but it's on field where my spirit really soars,
I like real sportsmen, those who like it rough, a little bit of biffo and when the crowd roars.
I like to see those bodies coated all in sweat; and hear the shouts and cries and screams,
and the whistle of the ref as he tries to arbitrate the battle between the teams.
So as you can see I'm real spiritual about sport and men with balls of fire,
If you're keen and think you can qualify you just might get what you desire.
You're in luck babe I said I'm a spiritual Olympian, when it come to sport and beer,
I'm a real Aussie thoroughbred; I'm a true blue champion without peer,
I ran so fast and kicked the balls so high I'd get a standing ovation,
And after winning for twenty years I was crowned best player of my generation,
But before I'd play any game I would meditate and when I finished say grace.'
Let's grab a pizza and watch as game and I'll show you my trophy case,
That sounds pretty good, she said, it seems like you've really danced with fame,
It's quite surprising then that I haven't seen face or ever heard of your name,
But I like your style, and it's been awhile, I can be ready by five she said, with a grin
That night went fast , we had a real blast , we partied and revelled all night in sin,
The end of this tale's quite clear, I chucked all that spiritual baggage and gear,
My life's now a whirl with my mystical girl who loves this Aussie sportsman and beer.
Updated 11th September 2013.