by Des Pensable copyright 2015
A whistle blower has revealed the most amazing story about genetic research being carried out by researchers at the secret Harvard University Military Research facility located somewhere on the campus.
The research brief was to produce a simple vaccination that could be used to make US soldiers smarter and more robust to enable them to survive the approaching Global Warming apocalypse.
Monsanto have already patented new economic plant varieties including wheat and corn that will grow in warmer drier climates and animals with modified genetic code allowing them to be resistant to higher temperatures expected in the world of the near future.
So the scientists at Monsanto decided that it was time to try and make a product that could modify people to improve their adaption to higher climates as it was likely that the politicians would be unable to reach a consensus on mitigating Global warming until it was too late.
It appears that a large medical team have been carrying out research into the use of an injectable attenuated virus that could be used to carry DNA gene clusters relating to specific human characteristics such as aggression, muscle mass and intelligence and had some remarkable success.
The researchers also claim that it is the first vaccination of its type to by fully composed of natural ingredients and contain no artificial colour, preservatives, radionuclides or mercury.
Initial tests in animal models showed the concept worked but the surprises came when they started using the vaccine that was theoretically capable of increasing the analytical functioning of the neocortex, which basically means making the test subjects more intelligent.
The first test subjects were monkeys and the researchers used various intelligence tests including tactical and strategy simulations such as playing chess. The surprise came that after the first vaccination the monkeys chess ability improved out of sight and the monkeys were able to beat the best of the human players after a couple of months.
One monkey was able to simultaneously play against four humans and beat them all. A few weeks later there was an apparent break in by animal rights protesters and all the monkeys escaped and have not been seen since. Security was tightened at the facility but nobody has yet been arrested as the military police are still puzzled as to how the animal rights people gained access to the facility.
The vaccination was also tried on dolphins at the US Naval Dolphin Research facility at Pearl Harbour where they have been training dolphins to carry explosive charges to enemy submarines and detonate them. Unfortunately the results of the trial are inconclusive as the animals all disappeared and have not responded to the usual underwater sonic signals to return.
As the vaccination was theoretically safe to use being made of all natural products, a request was put out in the military journal for volunteers. Twenty civic minded mainly Republican voting service men and women were accepted and first measured using a battery of intelligence tests. None were found to suffer any medical problems.
Six months after vaccination the servicemen were due to return for intelligence testing but unfortunately sixteen of them had left the military and joined the Democrats working on mitigation of Global Warming projects. The remaining four were busy studying environmental science at the Military university and apologised for not being able to make it. So at this stage the results are unknown.
The researchers requested that another larger group of several hundred be vaccinated but the commander of the unit cautioned that it would be advisable to wait until they could get the results from the first group before expanding the study. The unit commander was a little concerned that there might have been some relationship between the vaccination and such a large number of people quitting the military.
On a humorous note, the researchers have a pet parrot in the laboratory where the studies were carried out. It’s believed that it may have been inadvertently exposed to the vaccine. The bird has developed an incredible vocabulary of expletives which it uses constantly when any of the researchers go near it.
This story is a hoax story and a satire. These type of conspiracy stories are generally written to reinforce people’s biases against some target. They are very common on main stream news. The target here is Monsanto, vaccination and animal testing and Global Warming. The start of the story is feasible, a whistle blower, secret military research on a well known university campus, global warming, a few medical science words. The scene is set.
The vaccine is only made from natural ingredients with no artificial colors. Really? How does this make it work? The vaccination accidentally makes the monkey super smart. One monkey can now outplay four humans then they work out a way to escape confounding their military jailers. Very little in science is accidental. This is very highly unlikely.
They vaccinated dolphins. You have got to be kidding! The dolphins escaped never to return. Doubtful. They vaccinated 20 Republican soldiers. What has the soldiers voting or their civic duty got to do with volunteering to be a guinea pig. The suggestion is that Republican voting soldiers are stupid.
After vaccination most of them became much smarter and joined the Democrats working on mitigation of Global warming. We could wish for this but miracles like this don’t happen. The parrot bit at the end was purposely humorous to give you a good feeling at the end.
A good story worth believing will have lots of reference links to other stories, it will name real people at reputable organisations that you can check to ensure they exist. A genuine science story will not mention religion or politics. A satire Is generally written to ridicule someone or some organisation. They are common in politics and religion. They will generally not give reference links and if they do they will generally be fake.
Another hoax story I wrote on April fools day a few years ago. Everyone I sent it to believed it because they wanted to believe in it and I generally write factually true stories. The moral is be skeptical. Use critical thinking. Be aware of the Appeal to Authority fallacy.
You can learn more on how to tell real stories from fake ones here and here.
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You can also find other stories and satires at www.despensable .com.au