Another Great Year of Indespensable Blog stories 2016

copyright Des Pensable 2016.

Hi to all my blog friends. Season’s Greetings !

This time last year there were 863 subscribers; this week there are 2056 subscribers. That’s a wonderful growth of over 238% over the year and I’d like to thank you all for reading and sharing the blog around. Keep it up and let’s keep growing.

There’s been 21 blogs this year including this one and of course my 486 page book 2 of my Fantasy trilogy story – Agents of Chaos. You’ve all helped to make this a special year. You can see my blogs shown in the various areas on my Des Pensable Graphiti web site.

A couple of hundred  of you accepted the offer to the free copy of the ebook. I hope you enjoyed it. Expect book 3 mid next year.  With luck you might also see the trilogy available by a major book retailer next year as a boxed set. I will also be doing a lot more book promotion next year.

I’ve also continued with the performance poetry in Sydney venues with several new poems and thank those of you who have come along to one of the poetry sessions and said a few kind words.

The blogs this year reflected the feeling of many people that the two most serious threats to Australia and many other countries was the TPP and of course Global Warming which we’ve all seen get worse while action to stop it has at best been mediocre.

We’ve been plagued with bad sociopathic politicians this year in Australia, our democracy has become more consolidated as a corporate oligarch, with more authoritarian laws and more privatization. Even worse, what has happened in the UK and USA is simply frightening.

Next year my partner Joanne and I will be doing more travelling, more activism and you can expect more stories about how people are reacting to Global warming, about their fears and hopes for their families.  There will be more stories about our global warming denier politicians and the mining lobby.

All of my stories are researched and come with links to current literature so that you can follow my arguments and read what others think about the same issues. NONE of my stories have been sponsored in any way by commercial, financial, political or government interests.

Share the articles with others and suggest they join the blog so they too can join the discussion. Join me on Facebook.

Above all send comments on the articles so that I can gauge your reaction to the stories. I’ve had many people tell they liked various stories when they talked to me personally but too few respond in writing so others can benefit from their thoughts.

Thanks to all of you out there in blog land. I hope you’ve enjoyed my stories and you can expect even more next year.

Season’s greetings- have a nice Christmas season and an exciting new year. Above all become more active in fighting for our future.

Best wishes,

Des Pensable

We Stopped the Boats Didn’t We?

drone

copyright Des Pensable 2016

This story is fiction set in Australia a decade from now.

I was sitting in my apartment in Perth reading a newspaper article, that was discussing the Australia’s Conservative government’s claims that their latest policy to minimize illegal immigrants to Australia had worked. Global Warming was well advanced and we were seeing 1.8C and had no hope of staying below 2C.

All the tropical countries including our neighbours to our north were suffering food and water shortages and Climate Change had displaced over 100 million people around the world. Australia took almost none of them.

The new government had decided to grant food aid to Indonesia and other countries on the strict condition that they stopped any desperate Climate Refugees from leaving their shores seeking haven in Australia as we were already said to be overcrowded. They had recently reintroduced a white Australia policy.

A few pages later I noticed a small column stating that a Broome fisherman had seen an explosion on the horizon whilst fishing in a boat several km off shore and fearing some ship was in trouble, headed towards the location of the explosion only to be stopped by Australian Border Patrol officers on a US naval patrol boat. They had declared the area an operational ‘NO GO’ zone.

The fisherman returned to his port to be met by another two Border Patrol officers advising him to keep quiet about what he had seen or his fishing licence would be revoked. He ignored their warning and told the local police and a reporter on the local newspaper.

The reporter had asked the authorities why Australian Border Patrol officers were aboard a US vessel patrolling Australian waters and whether there had been an explosion or ship in distress. They claimed that there were no reports of any maritime incident and No US vessel with Border Patrol people aboard.

They stated that one of the fisherman’s friends had tipped them off that he had been drunk whilst fishing alone and risked an accident. They had cautioned him to stay sober and work safely.

I was curious and suspicious that there was more to this incident than reported. After tidying up my affairs at home a few days later I flew up to Broome asked around and eventually met the fisherman who didn’t wish to talk as his fishing permit had been revoked for three months.

After a couple of beers I managed to talk him into taking me for a paid tour up the coast as he was still licenced to take out tourists for a run. He was sensitive about my camera and mobile phone stating that he didn’t want anything recorded. So they were stashed in a sealed metal can while we motored out to sea.

I discretely told him that I was interested in the Government’s statement that they had stopped the boats coming using their Food for Suppression campaign as it was called in the media.  He didn’t say much as we motored out to sea about 10km. Then he pointed out to sea.

“I was about here when I saw the explosion. It was right on the horizon in that direction possibly 15 km away. I headed towards it and was stopped about half way there.”

As luck would have it, there was another explosion on the horizon. I had seen these before it was a missile. The faint vapour trail was still visible.

“It was just like that one.” he said. “Do you believe me now! “ he shouted as we headed off towards the area.

“Do you mind if I take a picture”. I asked. He agreed and retrieved my mobile phone took several pictures of the smoke and mailed it off to several friends with and explanation about my location, why I was there and what I had seen.

We made it there just as the US naval patrol boat arrived. There were people and bodies floating in the water wearing life jackets. We were ordered to stop and two Australian uniformed Border Patrol officers came aboard. They wanted to see any cameras and mobile phones and confiscated them, then ordered us back to port.

I asked what we had done wrong and why they were ordering us around but got no answer. We were met on the dock by another four officers and taken to the local police station where we were arrested for fishing without a licence and resisting arrest. We were not allowed to speak to anyone, handcuffed and hooded, then flown by private plane somewhere.

I was placed in a small cement cell not high enough for me to stand and several hours later the interrogations started by Border patrol men and plain clothes men with US accents. I asked what I was charged with but received no answer.

I was questioned over and over again for 48 hours straight. What was I doing there with the fisherman? What had I seen? I started by telling them I was just a tourist but eventually admitted that I wanted to verify the fisherman’s story in the newspaper out of curiosity.

What I didn’t tell them was that before I visited the fisherman I had visited an ex-serviceman who had flown armed drones in the Middle East. He had told me that the Border Patrol had hired some from the US Navy and were using them to spot refugee ships.

The next thing that he said confirmed my worst suspicions. A drone pilot and good friend of his had told him that he was offered a contract to stop the refugee boats using drones armed with missiles. He had refused but said others were not so fussy.

I wrote a story about this before I went to visit the fisherman and sent it to several sources within Australia and overseas to be opened if I disappeared for more than a week.

On my second week of captivity the story was out in the social media. Australia was using armed drones to stop refugee ships landing in Australia. Indonesia leaked that several ships had eluded them and they had wondered why they never heard from them again.  A whistle blower confirmed the story and the US Navy refused to confirm or deny they were involved.

The Australian Civil Rights Commissioner demanded to know what had happened to me. After questions were asked in parliament it was revealed that I was charged with espionage, stealing National secrets and endangering Australia’s reputation. I was nominally in gaol for a minimum of 15 years without trial as seeing what you are not supposed to see was a National Security issue.

Eventually after a year of fighting in and out of parliament I was released on the condition that I said nothing to the media. I was not allowed to tell what I had seen. I was told that the fisherman had been released months ago and had drowned in a fishing accident. I resolved not to go fishing in the near future.

The most ironic part of the whole experience was just before I was released one of the senior Border Control officers said. “We stopped the boats didn’t we? You’ve gone and fucked our best policy yet.  Now we’ll have to use our submarines and they’re a bloody lot more expensive to run.

I wished the Australian public had had the courage to get rid of the psychopaths in the government a decade ago but perhaps their inaction, their fear and willful blindness told another more sinister story.

If you liked this story then share it with others

For more stories checkout the www.despensable.com.au website.

Read the real story about the Australia’s Refugee shame in 2016 below

The worst I’ve seen – trauma expert lifts lid on ‘atrocity’ of Australia’s detention regime

No Not In MY Backyard

fracking kill wildlife

A new environmental poem…. (slightly modified from when first published).

by Des Pensable (c) 2016

My  neighbor has a flash car and boat and is an important commercial banker,

He likes to flaunt his wealth, his pedigreed dog and is a bit of a loud mouthed wanker,

He’s only concerned about the stock exchange and how it’s continually changing,

He said the market is down and Aussie debt was up and it really needs rearranging,

He said the yanks are making fortunes from fracking, a type of unconventional gas mining,

We could do it all over Australia if the farmers and greenies would just stop whining,

He said … but I don’t want it my backyard mate, no not in my backyard

 

The mining company director was really happy, he’d secured another good deal.

The foreign shareholders would all agree to the payment of his bonuses with great zeal.

He wanted to build hundreds of coal seam gas mines in the middle of prime agricultural land.

He was going to flood the world with gas if the prices stayed as high as planned.

He wasn’t worried about the water needed, there was plenty deep underground.

He’d paid all the pollies quite well, but he was worried about greenies hanging around.

He thought … I don’t want them in my backyard mate, no not in my backyard.

 

The Pilliga farmer was unhappy, he’s just found out what the local council had planned,

They had agreed to a coal seam gas mining lease on the block adjacent to his land.

In panic he went to see his local MP, a fine country bred National party man.

His MP said there’s money to be made, we need to build CSG mines as fast as we can.

With Global Warming coming, there’ll be drought and your farm’s as good as dead.

I can’t help you at all, I’ve quit farming and welcomed the miners to my land instead

The farmer replied..but I don’t want them in my backyard mate, no not in my backyard.

 

The farmer studied up on coal seam gas mining and it soon became crystal clear,

It would pollute the underground water and poison the air for animals and people living near,

It would ruin the farming land for generations and speed up Global Warming as well,

It was invented by foreign investors for profit but makes the environment as toxic as Hell.

The farmer cried for help, the farm unions were deaf but the greenies heard of his plight

They rallied the city slickers and tree huggers; thousands came to help him fight

This is our farming land … we don’t want gas mining in our backyard mate, no not in our backyard.

 

The moral of this story is quite clear, when you see a greenie give him or her a hug and smile

Say thanks for your help in caring for our great land; I couldn’t understand you for a while

Now I realize your intentions were pure, I listened to the pollies and got the message wrong,

Those political bastards have sold us all out, there will be nothing left before long

Aussies all over this great land are all in the same boat, we must unite while we can,

We need to vote out all the corrupt pollies and create a national gas mining ban.

Australia is our backyard and we don’t want it in our back yard mate, no not in our back yard.

 

I think I’ll come out and join you protesting. I hope your pub hasn’t run out of beer.   I might even vote Greens next election. What about you?

You might also like Dodgy Dick the Fracking Engineer

For other poems check out Des Pensable Poetry

If you like this poem tell a friend about it

The TPP/TISA Trade Agreements Will Force Australia to Privatise Education

NBN photo

Des Pensable copyright 2016

Imagine if the Turnbull government later this year announced that it had decided that all schools, colleges and universities in Australia MUST be privatised over the next several years because we have signed an international agreement that says we have to?

You probably can’t imagine this happening because you wouldn’t expect any Australian government to sign any agreement that FORCES us to do something that momentous that the majority of Australian people might be against, certainly not without our agreement.

Well it’s REALLY happening. The new TPP and  TISA “trade” agreements are about much, much more than trade. The TPP is a 6000 page document which sets about to restructure the whole of Australian society, culture, working conditions and law. These agreements mandate and that means FORCE Australia to privatise all government services including education and Australians won’t get a say in it.

They even go further than this. They stipulate that once privatised, any new state or federal governments CANNOT go back to providing government services, even if the privatised services are considered substandard or not in the interests of the parents.

This will never happen you say. You’re wrong! The federal government has already assumed that the TPP/TISA agreements will be signed before the next election this year. PM Turnbull has been in the USA lobbying them to ratify it as soon as possible.

The Abbot government had already set the privatisation of schools and TAFEs into motion before we’ve even ratified the TPP. They’ve already done this by telling the states that the federal government is budgeting to cut the Gonski funding that was promised to bring state schools up to a higher standard.

The states will have to somehow find billions of dollars to do this. Treasurer Hockey was in favour of paying more for education by raising the GST to 15%. Some state premiers such as LNP Premier Baird are in favour. That’s an extra 5% tax on every person in Australia (but not the corporations) which is unlikely to get through a combined Labor/Greens vote in the senate.

The only alternative then will be to privatise but education authorities say privatising education is a really bad option. The UN argues that privatising education is bad as it increases the inequality gap between the rich and poor. We already have too much inequality.

The Victoria, NSW and Queensland have already started to privatize their TAFE systems with major resistance from TAFE teachers, unions and past and present students. NSW is currently considering downsizing its TAFE and selling campuses. Premier Baird recently announced he will cut half the TAFE budget favoring private providers.

According to NSW Greens senator John Kaye last year, “More than a third of the teaching workforce has been hollowed out by an intentional strategy of dumping TAFE into competition against lower quality private providers.” “There are now 3,610 fewer teachers than three years ago.” A recent report showed that privatising the TAFEs is failing badly.

Privatising the TAFE system pales into insignificance compared to privatising every state’s primary and secondary school systems. Imagine the chaos, different private local and foreign companies offering widely different courses for widely different costs. Imagine mass unemployment of teachers; lower salaries; no unions to uphold standards; compulsory religious education; McDonald’s primary schools and KFC high schools.

The Turnbull government is selling the TPP trade agreement as economically essential for us yet the World Bank has suggested that it offers little benefit to Australia, perhaps a 0.7 % increase in GDP by 2030.  The TPP has been criticised as increasing inequality and causing the future loss of 39,000 jobs in Australia.

Andrew Robb the Australian Trade minister says the World Bank is wrong but can’t show us any economic models that disprove the World Bank model. Another independent US study also showed that Australia would receive virtually no benefit with only an increase in GDP of 0.2% by 2025.

If we hardly gain anything economically from the TPP why the hell are we signing a trade agreement that will FORCE Australia to change its perfectly good educational system ?

Signing the TPP doesn’t seem to make any logical sense unless it’s about a furtive attempt by the Australian government to assure the USA sticks to the ANZUS treaty.  Is the TPP just about US geopolitical posturing or perhaps a failing US dollar? Is the Australian education system to be a sacrificial lamb to neoliberal ideology?

Whatever the real reason, Australian children will suffer and so will our future unless we refuse to ratify the TPP and TISA agreements.

If you liked this story share it with a friend.

Join the Indespensable blog for more good Aussie stories.

Check out other stories , satire and poetry on the Des Pensable web site.

NOTE- News Update (articles after this was published.)

  1. Paul Goulter: TPP puts profit ahead of quality education
  2. Concern as private training colleges to compete with TAFE to teach HSC courses
  3. This is how they will privatize the Australian public schools. The Government announces decision to privatise all state schools in England
  4. Selling off the Family Jewels – a simple article about privatisation in Australia
  5. Privatisation has damaged the economy, says ACCC chief
  6. We will smash their business model: Simon Birmingham outlines private college crackdown

The Plight of the Mighty Hawkesbury River

A poem about a mighty River called the Hawkesbury that defines the northern boundary of the sprawling metropolis of Sydney, Australia.

Postmans-Run-Hawkesbury-River

photo- Sunset on the Hawkesbury. Image from www.hawkesbury.com

 

The Plight of the Mighty Hawkesbury River

Copyright Des Pensable 2015

I was born near a mighty river, a panorama of life, strength and awe.

Flowing majestically through time, Nature’s powerhouse and nursery

for yabbies and mussels, eels and fish, shags and pelicans galore.

In the dawn it was a sleepy golden serpent stretched across the land.

At midday, a busy highway for a myriad of small craft weaving white wakes.

In the evenings, a dark and mysterious, sinuous, silver moonlit brand.

My earliest memories were of excitement, laughter, joy and fun,

of diving and swimming, canoeing and fishing, in the cool swirling eddies

of that generous host of small green islands basking lazily in the sun.

Later in my youth I took my first love up to the birthplace of the stream.

We picnicked and skinny dipped, laughed and made love on the bank.

Its essence was fresh and healthy; my memories, a beautiful dream.

I ventured to Sydney to find work; we needed money they said to live.

An eternal rat race, a soul sapping drab endless fight for a gulp of fresh air,

I yearned for the inner peace that only my beautiful river could give.

I journeyed back in time to where my memories happily lived as a child,

to replenish that spirit of life that nature’s magic wand freely recharges.

What I saw shocked me to the core and left my mind uneasy and wild.

Oh my Hawkesbury! What have they done to your majestic metallic sheen?

You lay there ill and bloated with effluent from the city’s bowels and sewers,

tainted with slime and weed; pitiful, ailing and weak; now fetid and green.

We were charged to share; to be stewards and protectors of the land’s health.

Why do we toil for idiot goals, value printed paper, call companies people?

Why do we loot, pollute and scoot from our responsibilities for illusory wealth?

Why do we hide behind locked doors, mindlessly ignoring the growing blight?

It’s time to escape, to grow up, to renew our timeless contract with Nature.

It’s time to transform from zombie barbarians to caring eco warriors with might.

It’s time to balance the books with the land; the Hawkesbury’s not a drain!

It’s time to say no to profit before Nature and only the bottom line counts.

Let’s unite and fight to fix the Hawkesbury so it’s healthy and proud again.

hawkesbury3

photo courtesy of the NSW Dept Natural Resources

Check out more on the Hawkesbury river story below.

The Australian Traveller – The Hawkesbury 

Everything commercial you wanted to know

Using the River as a toilet

What the local government is saying it’s doing

How You Can Help

A Quick and Easy Guide to E-Publishing

boring reading

Des Pensable, copyright 2015

Ever wanted to publish your own book about your pet’s love for poetry, your advice to the Prime Minister on how to run the nation, an illustrated guide to women’s smoking habits, your best fishing story or perhaps how to hold a beer glass correctly so that you didn’t look like a bogan. Then here’s a quick guide of how to do it.

Step 1   Write your masterpiece on a computer in Microsoft Word as most publishers only accept it as a word doc or docx file. Some also accept it in Adobe pdf format. Note that ebooks don’t have page numbers only chapter headings. The reason is that in an ebook you can change the size of the text which would normally change the page numbering.

Step 2   Get two or three friends to proof read it and make suggestions about its content, the layout, the grammar and so on. Beware! Friends and family are good for finding spelling errors but bad for judging quality. They are afraid of hurting your feelings. If it’s a “vanity” project – you just want to see yourself in print then keep going skip the professionals and do it all yourself – it’s fun and inexpensive

If you’re serious about writing a novel then get a professional reviewer to read it and make suggestions. This will cost you money. The rate is based upon the number of words – $100 to $400 is not uncommon. This is probably where you’ll get annoyed, dispirited and think the reviewer is an idiot or you can take their advice and rewrite the whole story again and again and again until it’s great.

You’re also going to need a cover. E-publishers generally supply a cover designer program so that you can do it yourself or you can pay for a professional which will cost $50-$ 300 depending on what you want.

Step 3   Log onto Smashwords.com and read their how to publish your own story guide. They will tell you that 95% of people never make any money out of their books. Many NEVER sell a book. If it’s mainly for friends and relatives then there is no problem. If it’s to provide shelter and sustenance you’ll probably perish.

They have a written and a video format guide that you need to read as your work will end up running through their format checking machine. If it’s not right the machine will send it back to you saying please read the format guide and resubmit your work. So you can’t dodge out on reading or seeing it.

The cost of producing an ebook is free. You will have to agree to give them a small percentage of any sales you have. They don’t produce paperbacks so you’ll have to go to the next step if you want to have a book for the coffee table.

Step 4   If you want to see your masterpiece in paper it will cost you money. The cheapest option is the use a Print On Demand (POD) publisher like Lulu.com who do both ebooks and print on demand paper books. They can produce books in a wide variety of sizes. They have a very neat format guide for each book size. If it’s mainly text like a novel or poetry then you cut and paste your work into their format guide and hey presto you have it.  They also have a format checking program but it’s mainly to check that the layout is correct. It assumes you have had it proof read and reviewed.

The next step is to add a cover of your own. Lulu supplies a cover design program which is quite easy to use or it allows you to provide your own to its template specifications.

If you want to publish a book with lots of coloured pictures, the layout is more important than with text and it will take you more work and the final product will cost you more. The cost per book as expected reduces with volume. If you’re interested in a small number of black text on white paper books with a coloured cover, say 1- 20 think about $5 upwards per 100 pages. If you want dozens or hundreds then you can get substantial discounts for volume. Coloured illustrations will add to the cost.

Lulu will also sell your book for you in their on line store and if approved on the general world market through other book stores such as Amazon. They will however, take the lion’s share of the profit. They have neat program that tells you their share and your share.

One final comment worth considering is that both Smashwords and Lulu are US companies. If you sell anything though them the US government will withhold 30% of the sales value for taxation purposes. It is possible to get a tax waiver form and send it to them and they will only keep 5% of your sales value. Inevitably you’ll have to chase them to get it back.

There are lots of other e-publishers that you can find on Google and the services obviously vary. The two I have talked about here I have tried and found their services very easy to use and give very professional results.

E-publishing is VERY EASY these days. Why don’t you try it?

Check out my new fantasy novel Visions of Chaos published in both ebook and paper.

or my web site site www.despensable.com.au for more stories.

Visions of Chaos : Divinity Seeds trilogy book 1: a book review.

Pageflex Persona [document: PRS0000039_00075]

copyright Des Pensable 2015

It might seem a bit strange that the author of a fantasy book would write a review about his own book. But what the hell – I know more about the story than anyone else. What I’m going to talk about are some of the concepts hidden within the story.

First of all it’s an epic fantasy with wizards, sexy druid females, an assortment of exotic weird and often magical creatures and of course dragons. No fantasy would be complete without a dragon or two.  Look how popular Game of Thrones is. My story is full of the motifs that every fantasy reader knows and loves and of course non-fiction lovers generally hate.

So let’s talk about what’s different. Firstly it’s not based on a good versus evil motif, instead it’s based upon a chaos versus order motif. There are no good or evil people as I have tried to get away from the religious labels created to divide people. To do this I had to eliminate the good and evil based terminology that permeates our language and inevitably biases our thoughts and actions. That was no easy feat. So what drives the characters – a search for knowledge, power and the instinct to survive.

Next I have treated magic a little differently. Magic is generally understood to be either created by divine entities and shared with the humans or discovered by accident or experimentation and poorly understood. In this story the youthful hero Aquitain is an artisan of magic. He uses magic in his trade of making magic items following traditional methods much like physicians in the middle age dispensed their quackery. As the story progresses he begins to understand what magic actually is; how it actually works and why it exists in his world at all.

Our hero uses his mind to manipulate magic which is sometimes called psionic magic. Rather than using fire balls and lightning and such destructive macho magic he uses the more subtle magic of coercion, deception and illusion. In Visions of Chaos he hasn’t got much magic so he largely relies on his wits, a newly discovered talent of shape shifting, help from Miranda and a ball of clay.

In the trilogy, I have explored the philosophical concept of a type of duality where a spirit or soul can separate from the body without the need to die and explore the ramifications of the idea. To fully work out what a magical incorporeal spirit might be able to do I worked out a model of the physical properties of a spirit and how it might interact with a body as a container, the world in general and of course where magic fits into the scheme.

I also created a model of the whole world, its characters and creatures and how and why it existed. That occupies a separate 100 page guide book which was helpful to keep the story and its concepts coherent.

Now let’s get to the fun bits. The main plot line in Visions of Chaos involves our seemingly innocent hero Aquitain who meets and joins up with a rather deceptively pious druid priestess of Nature called Miranda. She doesn’t normally associate with or trust wizards because her unusual mother hates them. She really can’t take them home to meet her mother for afternoon tea as they probably wouldn’t survive although they might die smiling.

Our hero and his pretty female druid friend go for a romp in the jungle of a world that has just been repaired by an order of druids after a “great storm” which was the equivalent of a nuclear winter. Unfortunately, there is a prophesy that states that another great storm is immanent and some people believe our hero has a chaotic part to play in starting it.

The two of them are manipulated through a series of trials by unseen forces and become close friends but can never be lovers while Miranda is cursed with a magic tattoo that keeps her chaste. This creates all sorts of sexual tension and personal problems which they have to deal with while avoiding nasty lethal traps and hazardous situations during their quest to find missing fathers and discover the truth about what caused the previous great storm.

The ability of spirits to swap between and cohabitate within bodies creates a real nightmare when trying to recognise friends from enemies creating a story that is full of deception where every character might have a hidden agenda or worse, a hidden spirit with a hidden agenda. This aspect of the story is more fully revealed in the second book of the trilogy due out in 2016.

October 2016 Update

The story continues in Book 2  — now available from the start of October 2016.

As one of my  blog readers you get a special deal. A FREE download of the complete book 2 during the month of October.

AND if you haven’t read book 1 you can during this period purchase it for just US 99 cents. Yep $0.99 and get book 2 for FREE.

To find out more about the story, use this link… story.

To join the Des Pensable Facebook for this story, use this link… Facebook.

To download a free copy up to the end of October 2016, use this link… Free copy.

I hope you enjoy the stories…

In my next blog we get back to the horror story called Australian politics.

Team Oz vs Team un-OZ : New Sports Policy for OZ

tonyAbbot caracature

by Des Pensable. (c) 2014.

The Prime Minister has today announced that owing to the love of sport in OZ all future government business will be framed in a sporting context. The government team will be known as Team Oz and the Opposition will be known as Team un-OZ.

John Crooked, a spokesman representing the Minister for Sport was present to answer any questions.

Allen Goodman, from the Independent Media. My question is :    “John Crooked you are currently employed as a political reporter by the US Muppet Media. How can you work as the spokesperson for the Team Oz without there being a conflict of interest?”

John Crooked replied: “What media organisation do you represent. I haven’t heard of it, so you’re unimportant. Piss off mate this for a news briefing for real reporters.’

John Fairman, from the Defender newspaper. “My question is the same as Allen Goodman’s.”

John Crooked replied. “Oh. That’s a reasonable question. I’m the new spokesman for the Team OZ as the position of spokesman has been privatised and US Muppet Media won the tender. My boss at US Muppet Media said I could work in both jobs so I don’t see any conflict of interest.”

Allen Goodman, from the Independent Media again :  “When did the Department of Sport privatise the spokesperson position? We heard nothing about any privatisation or tenders. Who else tendered for the job? Is it even legal under our Constitution?”

John Crooked replied: “I’m sorry mate I told you we don’t recognise or answer to any independent media only corporate media. So get lost or we’ll get security to throw you out.”

John Fairman, from the Defender, again. “My question is the same as that of Allen Goodman.”

John Crooked.  “I’m sorry Mr Fairman, please let’s be fair to all the others, you asked your question earlier. The limit is one question per person. Next person please.’

I’m Partly Bent, from the Fair Facts News. My question is:   “Are there any changes to the rules of the game with the new sports oriented government?”

John Crooked. “That’s a good question. In the past we’ve used British rules and more recently Aussie rules but considering how successful they’ve been around the world the new look  Team OZ has decided to go for USA rules. The Department of Sport has hired coaches from the USA to ensure we correctly interpret their rules. They have also hired a leading US Public Relations company, which is a division of US Muppet Media to help us create inspiring sporting songs oriented around the concepts of ‘Greed is Good’ and ‘Might is Right.”

I’m Bea Honey from the Aussie Public News. My question is:   “When did parliament discuss this change in policy and has it been voted on by parliament?”

John Crooked. “Aussie Public News, I thought you’d been privatised. No sorry that’s next year.  Look honey for what it’s worth I’m just the spokesman for Team OZ. I don’t make the decisions on what parliament does or doesn’t do or even what to tell you. Our boss at US Muppet Media does that. I’ll ask someone in the USA and get back to you on that. Now only one more question please.”

Richard Sole from Gutter News. :   “I’ve heard that Team OZ are considering wearing imported budgie smugglers to parliament rather than Aussie made ones. Is there any truth in that?”

John Crooked. “It’s a scurrilous lie perpetrated by Mr Palmoil and his buddies the Green Bludgers. Team OZ are true blue and would never wear any budgie smugglers from any other country except perhaps the USA but as far as I’m aware our purchasing department said that no one there knew what they were.”

Asked for an opinion on the new initiative by Team OZ, the Captain of Team un-OZ said  “What Team OZ have done is just not cricket!”

When asked for an opinion on the news the Green Bludgers Party pointed out that they had not yet decided on a new name for their team but leading contenders were the Liberate OZ from the Crazies team; Honesty in Sport team or simply the Greens for Good Government team.

The leader of the coalition partners of Team OZ had the last word. ‘We’re too busy organising mining contracts to bother about the game but I hope everyone enjoys it.’

team USA