Team Oz vs Team un-OZ : New Sports Policy for OZ

tonyAbbot caracature

by Des Pensable. (c) 2014.

The Prime Minister has today announced that owing to the love of sport in OZ all future government business will be framed in a sporting context. The government team will be known as Team Oz and the Opposition will be known as Team un-OZ.

John Crooked, a spokesman representing the Minister for Sport was present to answer any questions.

Allen Goodman, from the Independent Media. My question is :    “John Crooked you are currently employed as a political reporter by the US Muppet Media. How can you work as the spokesperson for the Team Oz without there being a conflict of interest?”

John Crooked replied: “What media organisation do you represent. I haven’t heard of it, so you’re unimportant. Piss off mate this for a news briefing for real reporters.’

John Fairman, from the Defender newspaper. “My question is the same as Allen Goodman’s.”

John Crooked replied. “Oh. That’s a reasonable question. I’m the new spokesman for the Team OZ as the position of spokesman has been privatised and US Muppet Media won the tender. My boss at US Muppet Media said I could work in both jobs so I don’t see any conflict of interest.”

Allen Goodman, from the Independent Media again :  “When did the Department of Sport privatise the spokesperson position? We heard nothing about any privatisation or tenders. Who else tendered for the job? Is it even legal under our Constitution?”

John Crooked replied: “I’m sorry mate I told you we don’t recognise or answer to any independent media only corporate media. So get lost or we’ll get security to throw you out.”

John Fairman, from the Defender, again. “My question is the same as that of Allen Goodman.”

John Crooked.  “I’m sorry Mr Fairman, please let’s be fair to all the others, you asked your question earlier. The limit is one question per person. Next person please.’

I’m Partly Bent, from the Fair Facts News. My question is:   “Are there any changes to the rules of the game with the new sports oriented government?”

John Crooked. “That’s a good question. In the past we’ve used British rules and more recently Aussie rules but considering how successful they’ve been around the world the new look  Team OZ has decided to go for USA rules. The Department of Sport has hired coaches from the USA to ensure we correctly interpret their rules. They have also hired a leading US Public Relations company, which is a division of US Muppet Media to help us create inspiring sporting songs oriented around the concepts of ‘Greed is Good’ and ‘Might is Right.”

I’m Bea Honey from the Aussie Public News. My question is:   “When did parliament discuss this change in policy and has it been voted on by parliament?”

John Crooked. “Aussie Public News, I thought you’d been privatised. No sorry that’s next year.  Look honey for what it’s worth I’m just the spokesman for Team OZ. I don’t make the decisions on what parliament does or doesn’t do or even what to tell you. Our boss at US Muppet Media does that. I’ll ask someone in the USA and get back to you on that. Now only one more question please.”

Richard Sole from Gutter News. :   “I’ve heard that Team OZ are considering wearing imported budgie smugglers to parliament rather than Aussie made ones. Is there any truth in that?”

John Crooked. “It’s a scurrilous lie perpetrated by Mr Palmoil and his buddies the Green Bludgers. Team OZ are true blue and would never wear any budgie smugglers from any other country except perhaps the USA but as far as I’m aware our purchasing department said that no one there knew what they were.”

Asked for an opinion on the new initiative by Team OZ, the Captain of Team un-OZ said  “What Team OZ have done is just not cricket!”

When asked for an opinion on the news the Green Bludgers Party pointed out that they had not yet decided on a new name for their team but leading contenders were the Liberate OZ from the Crazies team; Honesty in Sport team or simply the Greens for Good Government team.

The leader of the coalition partners of Team OZ had the last word. ‘We’re too busy organising mining contracts to bother about the game but I hope everyone enjoys it.’

team USA

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Des Pensable

Des is a native of Sydney where he currently lives with his partner Joanne. He has a PhD in neuroscience and worked as a biomedical scientist where he published widely in several areas of science. Since retiring, he’s been a keen writer of poetry, stories and philosophy which appear on his web, blog site and on line literary publications. He is also a performance poet that appears regularly in venues around Sydney.

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