An Ad NAUSEUM Metaphysics primer

Brain in a Vat Concept has Strings Attached

The Brain in the Vat has Strings

Des Pensable (copyright) 2010.

Brain in a Vat Concept has Strings Attached

The Advanced New Age Union of Scientific Experts in Unequivocal Metaphysics (Ad NAUSEUM) has revealed for the first time that they have agreed that the classic brain in the vat theory used by the movie the Matrix was faulty as there were no strings attached. The new theory borrows heavily from cosmology unifying the old brain in the vat theory with string theory. It will now be known as the new stringy brain in the vat theory.

The new theory has ignited debate as to who is pulling the strings. A plethora of new hypotheses has sprung up postulating all sorts of weird possibilities. Metaphysicians all around the globe are taking up the challenge to debate how this new theory backs up their own views of reality. Here is a roundup of current views.

The Dualism Ecumenical Uniformity Society (DEUS) claim this is positive proof of the existence of Cartesian dualism in the mind. They claim the mind is composed of a physical part and a non physical part.' The strings are the non physical part .' said a spokesperson. The bible says it quite explicitly. "Praise The Lord with the lyre, make melody to Him with the harp of ten strings!" (Psalm 33:2 RSV). The harp refers to us and the ten godly strings attached to our minds through which god talks to us. 'Our prayers also travel up the strings as they are a direct line to God.' they said.

A spokesperson from Monists Only No Kantians Society (MONKS) disagree. They argue that if there were a God he/she wouldn't need ten strings but thousands if he/she was to personally communicate with each of his/her believers. They stated that is is more likely that the strings are used for some type of anomalous monism and the theorists are working fiendishly on developing new irrational logic algorithms to test the concept.

Predictably the Buddhist Union for Tantric Transcedental and Enlightenment Research (BUTTER) suggested that the strings were actually pathways of the mind to reach a higher understanding of Transcedental Enlightenment. They suggested that when all the strings were properly tuned the mind would be in perfect harmony with the cosmos. They recommended a musical form of yogic meditation to accelerate the process but cautioned that it might still take several reincarnations before full attunement was achieved.

Swami Ratsarbarmi who is currently writing an eBook on the subject said 'Seeking the void has always had strings attached so what's new.' He stated that he had already composed several koans to assist new Zen students and has perfected a new technique of mental levitation using string theory.

The Atheist and Naturalists Theory Society (ANTS) showed a natural skepticism suggesting that the strings if they existed at all just showed that the theists were puppets to their fictitious gods. They stated that they wanted to see unequivocal evidence of strings before they comment on what they were used for.

One naturalist who didn't wish to be named said the strings were probably connected to Gaia and as we destroyed the world through global warming and pollution Gaia's pains and misery would feed back through the strings to every one of us. She suggested that we should pray to Gaia for forgiveness.

A government insider from the current political alliance said that no one should panic just yet. He stated that they had set up a committee from both sides of parliament to discuss the ramifications of the strings to voter's privacy. They had also instructed the Treasury to draft an information brief with recommendations as to what form of action should be taken in case the strings were improperly used to influence decision makers.

A member of the Conspiracy in the United States Society (CUSS) said that they believed that a CIA task force had been set up years ago to influence the minds of voters to vote for the most undemocratic candidates in the elections. 'The revelation of the CIA pulling the strings will now be covered up as the secret service closes ranks on the issue.' he said.

A scientist asked to comment on the new strings theory laughed and said 'We never believe anything a metaphysician says. The stringy brain in the vat theory is pure fantasy like flying spagetti monsters. Next they'll be saying the strings can turn into snakes and bite your mind and that's what causes headaches.

A member of the Ad NAUSEUM committee admitted privately that they had considered that possibility and even though it wasn't used in the Matrix movies they had set up a subcommittee to consider it for use it in the Matrix remakes scheduled for 2020.

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